(1986)
92 mins approx. 1.85:1 aspect ratio.

Ryder P.I. – Damn, what a whack movie this is! This looks like a 1940s comedy made in the 1980s and released in the 21st century. Seriously, it seems as if it was made by a bunch of stand up comedians (while high on drugs, booze or Mountain Dew) who have never ever taken a screen writing course. That is both refreshing (you’ll sure never guess what the hell happens next) and confusing, as characters ranging from a runaway chimpanzee who thinks he’s a duck, to a Clint Eastwood look-a-like waving his 44 caliber magnum in all the wrong people’s faces, to Howard Stern’s big screen debut yelling “I work at a toilet bowl of a TV station,” while doing a network newscast. Even tricky Dick Nixon (Richard M. Dixon) shows up stashing reels of audiotape under his jacket while cheating on an entrance exam. There must be over a hundred assorted nuts, jerks, boobs and whacko characters stuffed into 90 minutes that literally defies you to find a normal person in the crowd.

In an era when movies like Tomb Raider and Mission Impossible confuse movie reviewers over a plot they are not able to follow, I can only imagine that a comedy detective plot as heavily convoluted as Ryder, P.I. will make most people say “Pass the peyote please, I need to trip now.” Yet inspite of the plot antics, this good natured, low budget movie with a likable cast of zanies (Comics Bob Nelson and Dave “the Walrus” Hawthorne star) will evoke Abbott and Costello comparisons, and succeeds in creating an amusing world of its own. And believe it or not, the plot actually does makes sense if you watch it more than once. (Warning: watching this more than once can cause dame brammage.) Your kids will love it and almost insist on multiple viewings as the level of stupidity of the two leads is so bottomless that it will make the banter of Gilligan and the Skipper look like Shakespeare. For instance, detective Sky Ryder (Hawthorne) reassures his noodle brained partner Eppie (Nelson) after being forcibly ejected from a lunch room brawl they started over cat turds substituted for sausage links by saying “Don’t worry Eppie, I’ve been thrown out of better places than this!” Dufus faced Eppie responds with an insipid “Not me.”

Yes, there is a sexy girlfriend “Valerie” (Frances Raines) who lights up the screen with a girl-next-door brunette smile that could melt a snowfall, and of course, she gets in constant danger allowing the incompetent heroes to save the day inspite of never doing anything at all right. Seriously, never one thing right.

Released in 1986 in New York metro area movie houses and later on various VHS tape releases, Ryder, P.I. has finally emerged on DVD to shine like it never did, even in the theaters, due to the producers having no budget for Dolby stereo for the prints. But on DVD the original score featuring Bond-esque and Beatle-esque songs, is now clear as a bell. The picture in 1:85 widescreen is good, but not a reference disk, as this was one of the first, perhaps THE first action movie ever shot on video and transferred to 35 mm film, eclipsing George Lucas by 17 years. The transfer from film is as good as it gets and is far more pleasing than Blair Witch’s DVD release. So between Howard Stern’s screen debut and tape to film pioneering, Ryder, P.I. may – if it’s lucky – someday rise to the level of cult status. But it will have to try hard. This isn’t your typical David Spade or Farley Brothers comedy we are fed today. This is the film equivalent of a beer festival as nearly 60 N.Y. comedians try to make a first feature loaded with machine guns, fist fights, cops and cocaine dealers. I can assure you that you won’t ever see another film like it.

But Is it funny? I think so, but then again, I’ve seen it over 150 times. I was one of the co-directors and a writer of the film. What’s that? The director isn’t supposed to review his own film? Oh go F#@k yourself! Why not? In Ryder, P.I land anything is possible. And yes, it is funny. And very silly. And stupid. Hell, it’s less than $15 on Amazon.com – go.

With 15 minutes of deleted scenes and alternate footage with Howard Stern.

Credits:
Directed by Karl Hosch and Chuck Walker. Produced by Karl Hosch. Director of Photography Phil Arfman. Music by Kevin Kelly.

Cast:
David Hawthorne,
Bob Nelson,
Frances Raines,
John Mulrooney,
Bob Woods,
Howard Stern.

The mere fact that you have elected to read a review of a Godzilla movie already says a lot about you, most of which is actually favorable. Let’s face it, many Americans know who Godzilla is, which is more than we can say for Dick Chaney and Joe Lieberman, but most folks can’t name any of the specific movies Godzilla’s been in, despite having appeared in 23 features over 50 odd years. Why you feel the need to find out more about this specific Godzilla film is curious, as if somehow this review will make or break your decision on whether to go see it, or stay home and read a poetry book. Godzilla 2000 is absurd, which I caution you not to confuse with being bad, which it also happens to be, which shouldn’t be further confused with not having had a marvelous time seeing it, which I did.

In this, the first Japanese Godzilla movie since Tri-Star’s American version that grossed nearly a half billion dollars worldwide, yet that is still inexplicably labeled a box office flop, we are here offered a chance to view the Classic Zilla once again. Not the sleek n’ speedy, computer generated, Jenny Craig dieting, American Godzilla that every true fan hates more than that retarded purple jackass “Barney,” but rather the fat, lumbering, clumsy, man-in-a-suit Japanese Godzilla we all know and love. Like Classic Coke or Classic Star Trek, which similarly suffered the re-workings of corporate imbeciles who decided in some brain damaged epiphany to “improve” time tested formulas, Godzilla 2000 is Godzilla’s big chance to reclaim his identity.

The big question on all Godzilla fans’ minds (and let’s face it, you are one if you have read this far) is did the Japanese at Toho Studios show the Americans a thing or two about what a Godzilla film is supposed to damn well be? Did they get it “Right?” Is this the Godzilla film to finally stand up and cheer for? Well, G-fans – (and I guess I’m deep enough into this review to confess I’m a card carrying G-fan since seeing the original black and white film on Million Dollar Movie some 40 years ago) – it’s like this…frankly the answer is Yes… and No.

This isn’t the “promised land” Godzilla film we have all dreamt of seeing someday before we die. But it’s a better Godzilla film than Dean Devlin & Roland Emmerich produced. It’s not a better film. For less than 1/10 the budget, it can’t be. But it’s a better Godzilla film. This difference is largely achieved because the Japanese smartly elected to cast Godzilla in a Godzilla film. Dean and Roland, while sipping a few cans of New Coke, cast a computer generated “Beast From 20,000 Fathoms,” or was it just an overgrown iguana on fertility drugs with bad breath? Many will never forgive them for screwing over the franchise so badly. After seeing the American Godzilla, I can’t remember feeling so bad since the day John Lennon was shot – that’s how bad that Godzilla wannabe monster looked!

For the first 1/2 hour of Godzilla 2000 I was content just to see Godzilla, himself, again own the role. It was like seeing Connery play Bond in his prime. Watching him and his new larger purple dorsal fins walk across a wide screen in a real movie theater was some kind of orgasmic visual intoxicant. The Japanese understand this image is somehow a universal nightmare icon of a walking atomic bomb come back to haunt mankind for its transgression of earth’s natural laws. This is the awe and soul missing from the American version.

The Toho special effects were occasionally impressive and gave a more sizable illusion of there actually being a gigantic monster. Hasn’t anyone in Hollywood realized we can still tell if a creature is computer generated no matter how well it is integrated into a real world background? (Jar Jar Binks, anyone?) That’s the good news.

The bad news is that I was stunned to see they hadn’t moved one inch away from all the miserable worst parts of the majority of old Godzilla films, namely; annoying little kids, poor film direction and deadpan acting in combination with comic overacting on a scale not to be seen until the day Marlon Brando’s DNA is gene spliced into Pee Wee Herman. It raises this question: Doesn’t anyone in Japan know how to act? Judging by Godzilla films, you would swear there isn’t one actor’s studio in Tokyo not run by the Insane Clown Posse. The editing, the music, (except for Godzilla’s march theme) and the lighting are so un-hip it is unfathomable. Can’t somebody please let John Woo direct the next one? Would that kiss serious butt, or what!?!

I confess to having read some of the fans’ overnight reactions to its opening just a few hours ago. 93% of the 150 fans’ reviews were favorable on one Godzilla website. The reactions seem to share several common themes. 1) It’s damn good to have the real Godzilla back. 2) It’s cool to see him be the star of the movie, not the humans, which says a lot about the humans’ acting. 3) Well … there is no three. Unless “Godzilla finally kicks some serious ass” is a valid comment. That seemed to be universally shared, which has some merit since the American Godzilla hid through most of his movie and was dead after only 4 or 5 sidewinder missile impacts. In Godzilla 2000 even new armor piercing missiles are wonderfully useless against his holiness, Godzilla, King of all Monsters.

Poor dubbing was cited as an issue, but let’s face it, most of us raised on Godzilla movies thought everybody in Japan really talked with their lips out of synch. For many, myself included, every single thing we know about Japan comes from watching these movies. My new Japanese girlfriend recently informed me there really is no “Monster Island” to my utter disappointment. Oh well.

Is this a “see it twice” film? Not really. Some things are just too stupid. A huge question mark graphic (“?”) that accompanies an equally annoying “THE END” credit at the conclusion of the movie makes you wonder why the Japanese, who can copy anything in technology, haven’t figured out how to copy snappy graphics.

Every Godzilla fan now just wants to see if TriStar and Toho make enough bucks on this risky release (the 1st Japanese G film on American screens in 15 years) to motivate some mixing of talents, East and West, to someday make the Star Wars of Godzilla films. Will any of us live to see that day? I’m not holding my breath. Godzilla 2000 isn’t it, but it is a giant, stupid step in the right direction. Yet, if it was such a stupid film, why do I still want to see it again tonight on an even bigger screen?

As a horribly dumb actor says at the conclusion of Godzilla 2000, “Perhaps there is a little Godzilla inside all of us.” (Unfortunately that actor was not the one immediately killed by Godzilla after delivering such insipid dialog.) As the remaining cast members muse philosophically about the monster’s deeper meaning at the end of the film, Godzilla is going nuts, breathing shit loads of fire into all four corners of the city. If this juxtaposition doesn’t make you crap your pants laughing, you are not wired right.

Go Go Godzilla! Long live The King!

Seeing JAWS on DVD is a lot like having the girl you had a crush on in 4th grade come back to visit you 25 years later, having just appeared as Centerfold of The Month. Much the same case of stunned surprise can be made for purchasing this DVD – the first decent way to watch JAWS since those of us who are old enough to have seen it in its theatrical run.

As what could arguably be called the first modern summer blockbuster, JAWS in 1975 was more than a film, it was a sociological phenomena. Back then people weren’t used to standing on line for an hour to see a film, and rarely do now since the advent of several thousand more multiplex theaters. But line up they did. In the “Summer of 75″ JAWS owned the movies, and any conversation remotely involving the substance water. Since then, every single way it had been released, I have owned; laserdisc, video, and they have all simply sucked. Why? No widescreen, poor mono audio, lack of resolution, you name it. Seeing this marvelous anniversary DVD makes me want to climb into a wrestling ring, wave a championship belt high in the air and yell, “Finally the Rock has come back to JAWS” It took 25 years to get it right, but it’s more than just “right,” it’s actually far better than the original film. How? 5.1 stereo surround! Wait a minute…JAWS was a monophonic movie. It predated Mr. Dolby and the stereo surround movie revolution, so are we talking about some mislabeling or some cheap marketing attempt to pass mono off as 5.1 digital? Nope, it’s true. Why they didn’t make a bigger advertising claim about this sensational achievement I’ll never know. It’s not “killer surround” but it sure ain’t Dad’s mono either. It’s so rare, I dare you to name another movie that was theatrically shown only in mono that has been remixed to real 5.1 stereo. Yellow Submarine is a good answer and is an audio mindblower now on DVD, but the 4 lads from Liverpool didn’t have to contend with great whites in the Sea of Green. In JAWS on DVD, you do.

The 5.1 soundtrack and the widescreen anamorphic transfer makes JAWS a modern sounding and looking movie. Which means now it can really scare the “ship” out of you.Ê It seems like it could have been released this summer except for the noticeable lack of “fart jokes.” In addition to a nearly pristine 2.35 picture and a much more involving soundtrack, there are endless goodies in this package from Universal. Deleted scenes, outtakes, a screensaver, storyboards, games, trailers, and a documentary on its making are all on board. The missing scenes won’t make you wish they had kept them in the original cut, as they can best be described in fish terms as “chum,” but all are curiosities nonetheless to see never before glimpsed conversations with Roy Scheider’s now legendary portrayal of a shark killing sheriff who is afraid of the water. Another nice touch is the main screen menu being the buoy from the heart pounding opening scene as it hauntingly floats in the bay at night awaiting your remote control’s command on which way to swim.

But it’s the film itself that is the prize catch here. Speilberg’s precise direction, Benchley’s classic sea yarn and everybody’s superb acting will make it seem like you’ve never seen this film before. And if you never have…don’t say I didn’t warn you… After seeing this DVD on a good home theater system I dare you to take a night swim in any body of water anywhere on earth. After 1/4 century it is still the ultimate sea and shark movie in spite of all the new digital special effects possible in Deep Blue Sea and The Perfect Storm

So rejoice film collectors. Here’s a collector’s addition finally worthy of the name. Add this film to your list of DVDs you must take with you if you move to a deserted island – on second thought, maybe a bad idea. Because with JAWS on DVD, you will remember the true meaning of the slogan “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.”