A dog rules a bland couple. Makes me glad I didn’t read the book. Cured my puppy lust.

I’ve never had a dog. I grew up in cat household. Watching The Dog Whisperer I have become obsessive about having a dog, but I travel too much. Regardless, I have named my imaginary puppy Remi. Here are the rules I learned from Cesar Milan: Dogs need discipline, exercise, and then, some affection. You must be the pack leader.

According to MARLEY & ME, Marley is the pack leader. Not only does Marley do whatever he wants, he doesn’t seem to care a whit about John (Owen Wilson) and Jenny Grogan (Jennifer Aniston). I didn’t see any affection or territorial love from Marley. He wasn’t even John’s best friend.

What happened to Aniston’s face? Those cheek implants are so fresh, I saw her surgeon in the background in every scene.

John and Jenny marry and start their journalism careers. Jenny is a far more successful writer than John, who wants to be a war correspondent instead of a cub city desk reporter. He’s got to put up with comparing himself not only to talented Jenny but his sexy, happily single, womanizer journalism college pal, Sebastian (Eric Dane). They move from Michigan to West Palm Beach, Florida on Sebastian’s recommendation. When Jenny mentions having a baby, Sebastian suggests John get her a dog.

They pick out a discounted Labrador puppy, Marley. John is not a pack leader. In fact, he rightly feels he is a failure compared to Jenny and Sebastian. Even Marley disrespects him.

Frankly, and I know I will hear from all of you dog lovers, but Marley isn’t even loveable or loyal. Would you allow a dog to destroy all of your stuff and furniture? Well, when it’s just movie sets, who cares?

Marley is their substitute autistic child. When Jenny has a baby, she has to give up her promising career to take care of the baby and destructive Marley. Marley has issues that not even a dog trainer (Kathleen Turner) can abide.

(Isn’t it sad when an actress who has had Turner’s career needs to take this one scene role to pay some bills? Note to successful, young actresses: Save some money now!)

Since watching Marley destroy everything John and Jenny have brought could turn future dog lovers into cat lovers, the couple start having problems over John’s stalled writing career, the crying babies, and then the dog. Marley is the Crown Prince of the Grogans. He comes before the children in their affection.

Does Marley wake up the family when the house catches fire? Is he the family’s watchdog? No, he is the destroyer of everything the Grogans paid for.

The movie spans 15 years. As the Grogan’s three children grow up, they move to a palatial farm (with horses and servant’s quarters) and Marley gets old. John and Jenny stay young, though John ditches his face covering bangs once he hits forty.

I can’t believe this was a best-selling book by John Grogan. I’m now going to write a memoir about me and my imaginary Fox Paulistinha dog, Remi Aquiar Alexander.

A dear friend of mine in Brazil breeds Fox Paulistinhas as a hobby. At my friend’s weekend retreat in Itaipava, I bonded with an adorable, obedient, blue-eyed Fox Paulistinha puppy. My friend’s passion is raising rare animals, having recently brought a new species of pony to Brazil. His newest additions are a baby lama and two emus. My friend and his wife also own part of the rain forest adjoining their property. They have an array of rare birds, including a very rare Arara azul de Lear. Around only 450 still live in the wild and some in captivity. A Brazilian government official comes every six months to check on the bird’s care. Trust me, these animals have a full-time staff catering to their every whim. As soon as my husband says “yes”, Remi’s paperwork will be submitted and he will be mine.

Not only do Wilson and Aniston have no chemistry with each other, they have no chemistry with Marley or their movie children. Yes, they kiss a lot, but that’s not movie chemistry; that’s taking direction. The director, David Frankel, does not give Aniston the right camera angles or lighting, and in many scenes she appears to be hiding behind her hair. I couldn’t stop looking at Wilson’s blond bangs draped over his face as a visual clue to his boyish lack of pack leader power.

Sony Pictures Classics / This Is That Prods.
No MPAA rating / Running time — 88 minutes

QUOTE: Boring rich people have to put up with a pot-smoking friend who insists on being single, a stalker, and a maid.

Get this! People with money have problems! The Los Angeles women in Nicole Holofcener’s FRIENDS WITH MONEY are disagreeable. You will want to choke them. The film revolves around Olivia (Jennifer Aniston) who has dropped out of the race, but still needs her friends for occasional loans. She is stalking a former married lover and quit her job as a schoolteacher. She is now a pot-smoking maid barely making a living. Her friends have lots of money. They gossip incessantly about each other.

Olivia’s friends include married couple Christine (Catherine Keener) and David (Jason Isaacs). They are screenwriters building a huge extension on their house. They work together but Christine has confided to Jane (Frances McDormand) they have not had sex in over a year. They have a young son. Christine is obsessed with Jane’s husband Aaron (Simon McBurney). She keeps telling everyone he is gay.

Jane, a messy but hugely successful designer, is married to very devoted Aaron. For some quirky reason, L.A. gay men are all hot for middle-aged Aaron. Is he gay, or just aware of how the cut of a well-made shirt should hang? Even if Aaron is gay, he adores Jane. They have sex. Jane is angry, miserable, and doesn’t want to wash her hair. Oh, the pain of washing one’s own hair! It doesn’t really matter, since Aaron thinks she is the most beautiful woman in any room.

Franny (Joan Cusack) and her husband Matt (Greg Germann) are also immensely wealthy. They get along just fine. Matt thinks she is the most beautiful woman in any room. Franny tries to help Olivia by fixing her up with her personal trainer, Mike (Scott Caan). He is creepy, insensitive, and stupid, so Olivia likes him. He is crass and even insists that Olivia give him some of her housekeeping money when he goes along on her maid’s job “to help.”

I didn’t like any of these people and did not understand any of them. The husbands are shadows indulging their self-centered wives. Only David shows some spark but he is summarily dismissed as disagreeable. It looks like things are all downhill for Olivia, but since the role is played by Jennifer Aniston, her crummy, un-focused life will be well served by the time the film abruptly ends.

I did not for one minute believe these women had known each other longer than the read-through of the script. Once again, McDormand’s severe face can spit out caustic dialogue with glee and commitment. This being a Jennifer Aniston vehicle, I must say that I prefer her in this type of “indie” ensemble role. She should pursue serious parts that compliment her wounded, angled face and structured delivery instead of chasing after Julia Roberts-style stardom. It will never happen. The dismal box-office of her past few films have already made that clear.

Credits:
Screenwriter-director: Nicole Holofcener
Producer: Anthony Bregman
Executive producers: Ted Hope, Anne Carey, Ray Angelic
Director of photography: Terry Stacey
Production designer: Amy Ancona
Music: Craig Rickey
Costume designer: Michael Wilkinson
Editor: Robert Frazen

Cast:
Olivia: Jennifer Aniston
Christine: Catherine Keener
Jane: Frances McDormand
Franny: Joan Cusack
Aaron: Simon McBurney
David: Jason Isaaacs
Mike: Scott Caan
Matt: Greg Germann
Aaron #2: Ty Burrell
Marty: Bob Stephenson

Universal Pictures

Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) is a reporter for a local Buffalo TV-news program. He gets all the mediocre, soft stories. He wants to be an anchor and handle the big stories like the war in Iraq and the hunt for Bin Laden. He wants to interview Colin Powell. He’d like to be seen as a serious guy who hero-worships Walter Cronkite. But he’s done nothing to achieve his goals. He’s miserable, though he has the perfect movie girlfriend, an adoring, nursery school teacher named Grace (Jennifer Aniston). When he flips out on live TV and then steps in a puddle, he curses God. He’s had enough! He can do better than God if given the chance. Well, God (Morgan Freeman) decides to give him the opportunity. So, empowered with omnipotence, what does Nolan do?

Here is where the story nosedives. It is obviously clear that Nolan is shallow and self-centered. He certainly doesn’t deserve Godhood, even temporarily. Sure, it’s cute that he miraculously enlarges Grace’s breasts and can part tomato soup with his mind, but after testing out his power to walk on water, don’t you think he should look at the big picture of Powerful Feats and do something fancy? Why think small when you are God?

Nolan is annoyed that people are always praying for stuff so he grants all prayers. So he’s a lazy, careless God. People get mad because so many thousands of them won the lottery. The dollar amount was rendered meaningless. Point well taken: You must be God’s favorite. People are ungrateful. They riot. Nolan does move the Moon to impress Grace, but doesn’t bother to watch TV and see what the dire consequences of that stunt are. He doesn’t heal one sick person. He doesn’t visit one hospital. He does give Grace the orgasm of a lifetime.

But what’s really on my mind? Saddam is homeless. According to international reports, Saddam and a few hundred of his relatives and friends left Baghdad on two cargo planes. I walked through a cargo plane at an outdoor air show once. They have no seats. The U.S. Army uses them to transport tanks. Saddam’s fleet of trucks held so many billions of U.S. dollars and stuff that he had was forced to leave a billion behind. They couldn’t even shove it in.

So where is Saddam and family now? He once had 50 palaces and now he’s staying in someone’s spare bedroom? Does he have to make small talk with his host’s wife? Does he have to make his own bed? Where does one store two cargo planes full of antiquities, cash, and WMD? Somebody’s backyard? Does his host have to cajole friends to take Saddam off his hands for an evening? No, wait. I’m supposed to think that Saddam is on the run lugging around two cargo planes of stuff. Saddam stole billions of oil dollars yet didn’t use a penny of it to pay off tribal leaders to fight for him. He was an absolute dictator for over 30 years who killed on a whim but when it came time to fight, he emptied his palaces and ran off. Does he now have to use an internet hotmail address at a local library?

Is Saddam on the run with fugitive survivalist Eric Rudolph or is he haggling over an expensive presidential pardon like Marc Rich?

Well, now that I’ve said that, why doesn’t Carrey buy up great, tough dramatic scripts to star in? Supposedly, he has the money.

Because Carrey, now 41 years old, is tired of playing the buffoon, BRUCE ALMIGHTY has to turn into something meaningful. It has to get serious. There has to be tears. Aniston and Carrey want to act! Aniston, I don’t care how rich, beautiful, and lucky she is to be the second most famous woman in the Universe, cannot win me over with her weekly salary. The jut of her jaw and pensive gaze limits her movie appeal. Sharing a half hour with 4 other people might be all the public needs. Push all the magazine covers you want down my throat and I still will not accept it as fact that she is one of the most beautiful women on Earth. Carrey, in my humble opinion, has the aggressive body and strong features to play tough characters. He’s got to stop yearning to be the next James Stewart and realize he can be the new Clint Eastwood. He’s got the inner rage seeping through. He’s got the facial structure. I see the cynical, hard backstory to Carrey. Why not embrace it and have that career now?

Yes, Carrey holds the screen and makes an earnest attempt at working the material. You are with him all the way, but Nolan doesn’t have the depth and insight to make BRUCE ALMIGHTY – a very nice high concept – something worth recommending. The direction by Tom Shadyac is sluggish. Everybody just got bored and it shows. Sadly, BRUCE ALMIGHTY is simply disappointing.

Cast:
Bruce Nolan: Jim Carrey
Grace: Jennifer Aniston
God: Morgan Freeman

Credits:
Director: Tom Shadyac
Producers: Michael Bostick, James D. Brubaker, Jim Carrey,
Steve Koren, Mark O’Keefe, Tom Shadyac
Screenplay: Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe and Steve Oedekerk
Cinematography: Dean Semler
Music: John Debney