Squinting Zellweger ruins it. I liked the hats.

APPALOOSA could have been a terrific Western but the co-producer, director, co-writer, and star failed at casting the pivotal female role. I’m not sure about the stated legal adage that the outcome of a trial is determined with selecting the jury, but with a movie, only when there is a serious miscasting can you tell that the adage, “casting is everything”, is a fact.

Let me explain further. It is 1882 and Everett Hitch (Viggo Mortensen) and Virgil Cole (Ed Harris) have been traveling around the West hiring themselves out to bring law and order to towns incapable of doing it. In the town of Appaloosa, they tell the fat, old, scared politicos that for a price, and a contract allowing Cole, designated as the City Sheriff, to be the sole purveyor of law and punishment, they will clean up the town of its number one troublemaker, Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons).

Bragg runs a 20-man gang and is being sought for killing three men, one of them a deputy. The town’s leaders agree to Cole’s terms and he sets up shop. Then the newly- widowed Allison French (Renée Zellweger) turns up with one dollar to her name and some piano playing skill. You have to be a tough broad to come to a new town not knowing anyone. French is not frontier-weary but a puckered-up, eye-squinting, prim and proper lady.

Within seconds of seeing Cole, Allison becomes enchanted with him. Cole has had, by his own admission, plenty of whores and one squaw woman, but he falls for Allison. Cole decides to build a house and live permanently with Allison in Appaloosa. Cole and Hitch may have traveled long and hard and spent many nights huddled together on the open range, but they have not formed any kind of homoerotic camaraderie. They may not even like each other. The killing partnership is over. Then Allison makes a play for Hitch.

Zellweger’s Allison is so unappealing that when she’s on screen, you hope a stray bullet hits her – it is after all the wild, lawless west – and Cole and Hitch would get down to business in bringing Bragg to justice.

Having shown no sign of what is to come, Zellweger’s Allison takes a strange turn and makes Cole look like a fool.

Harris and Mortensen are terrific together, again. Who can forget their diner confrontation in A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE? No doubt this is why Mortensen took the more laid-back, supporting role of Hitch. Harris has had a fantastic career and so many memorable roles, I was shocked when I recently saw COPYING BEETHOVEN (2006) and, while I was in Iquitos, Peru in July, I saw him in a truly bad Western, RIDERS OF THE PURPLE SAGE (1995). Thankfully, Harris has scraped the soliloquy. Long speeches have no place in movies.

As co-writer, director, and one of the three producers, Harris is to blame for casting Zellweger and giving her such a poorly-written role. Zellweger is miscast because she has no hard edge to show that her Allison will do anything to survive. Zellweger (I don’t care about her Academy Award) doesn’t have the acting depth to convey to the audience a complicated character with dimensions. Especially not one with a killer’s instinct.

As a Western, director Harris has done an admirable job and he does give balance to all his male characters. As a director, he likes them and it shows. Zellweger, I am certain of it, cannot be directed. Why didn’t Harris just cut away her role? If he was so concerned about a suggestion of a gay friendship between Cole and Hitch, he could have given Cole another squaw.

If APPALOOSA fails at the box office, it is Zellweger’s fault.

Miramax Films / A Mirage Enterprises / Bona Fide production
R-Rated / 154 minutes

The problems facing Anthony Minghella’s adaptation of Charles Frazier’s National Book Award novel “Cold Mountain” are insurmountable, making for a long, dreary movie starring one of the most gorgeous faces in films – Jude Law.

The big problem is that COLD MOUNTAIN is a long-distance romance taking place during the Civil War era, when manners and customs submerged lust into a dignified courtship of quick glances and chance meetings at church.

As the war is approaching, Inman (Law) is a day laborer in North Carolina. He briefly meets the very proper, glamorous Ida (Nicole Kidman), the newly transplanted daughter of the town’s minister ,Rev. Monroe (Donald Sutherland). Ida is educated and has not been brought up to do farm work. Inman is a man of very few words. They have a sudden encounter on a porch. Ida is reserved and distant. Yet, a few days later, moments before Inman goes off to join the Confederate Army, Ida gives him her photo. They kiss.

Years pass. Ida writes to Inman, always waiting for his return. Her father dies and she is left on the farm playing her piano and reading Wuthering Heights. She is useless. Inman, wounded in a horrific battle, is given a letter Ida has written to him. She asks him to return to Cold Mountain. He immediately deserts.

Deserters are hunted and shot for sport. It is not considered an honorable thing to do, regardless of the circumstances.
Meanwhile, Ida’s neighbor Sally (Kathy Baker) suggests that Ruby (Renee Zellweger), an independent farm girl, come to help her. Ruby is a blistering, ornery workhorse. You don’t want to spend one hour with Ruby, even if she can mend the fence, milk the cow, plant crops, plow a field, and cook. Her voice can kill farm animals at a distance.

COLD MOUNTAIN moves back and forth between Ida’s life on the farm and Inman’s arduous journey home to her.
Herein lies the cinematic quandary. Inman deserts because he wants to return to his great, albeit brief, love. On his travels through the back roads he must avoid the men looking to kill deserters. He meets up with a varied assortment of people but his intent keeps him from experiencing them. He is passing through. He is an observer. He can’t get involved. He has to keep moving.

Kidman and Law have a sparse few scenes together, certainly not enough to maintain an enduring longing that holds our interest. Their lack of chemistry cripples the story. Kidman is arch and distant. Why does she desire Inman over all the other men in Cold Mountain? Ida is pursued by another man, Teague (Ray Winstone) who can help her survive, but she is not interested in him. Winstone, so terrific in SEXY BEAST, actually shows desire and longing for Ida, who brusquely dismisses his controlled advances.

Likewise, Law fails to convey passion for Ida. It’s Minghella’s camera that Law is seducing.

Throwing cold water on an already tepid love story, Zellweger tramples over the scenery further mudding the intended mood. Zellweger’s over-the-top performance places Kidman in a difficult role. She must keep Ida restrained or else her scenes with Zellweger would come off as a vaudevillian act. Kidman stands around while Zellweger contours her face and stampedes about the farm.

Inman’s journey home involves him in a series of encounters: A philandering minister (Philip Seymour Hoffman, seen with Law in Minghella’s great THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY), a redneck (Giovanni Ribisi) with a house of sex-hungry women, a young widow (Natalie Portman), and a strange old goat keeper (Eileen Atkins). Portman galvanizes in her small, evocative scenes with Law. Finally, some sexual chemistry is resurrected. But Inman is on a mission to return to his true love and cannot be deterred by a despairing young woman.

Meanwhile, Ida and Ruby have to contend with Ruby’s rogue of a fiddle-playing father, Stobrod (Brendan Gleeson), who turns up at the farm with two musicians.

Throughout her ordeal and the surprising ending, Ida’s emotions stay closed off and remote.

It should be noted that the battle scenes are stirring, chaotic, and horrific. Minghella has created a fine portrait of Civil War lunacy; yet, unfortunately, Law, Kidman and Zellweger are not remotely connected to the story.

Credits:
Screenwriter-director: Anthony Minghella
Producers: Sydney Pollack, William Horberg, Albert Berger, Ron Yerxa
Executive producers: Iain Smith, Bob Weinstein, Harvey Weinstein, Bob Osher
Director of photography: John Seale
Production designer: Dante Ferretti
Music: Gabriel Yared
Costume designer: Ann Roth, Carlo Poggioli
Editor: Walter Murch

Cast:
Inman: Jude Law
Ada: Nicole Kidman
Ruby: Renee Zellweger
Maddy: Eileen Atkins
Stobrod: Brendan Gleeson
Rev. Veasey: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Sara: Natalie Portman
Junior: Giovanni Ribisi
Rev. Monroe: Donald Sutherland
Teague: Ray Winstone
Sally: Kathy Baker
Esco: James Gammon
Bosie: Charlie Hunnam

Newmarket Press, 18 E. 48th Street, New York, has published a beautifully illustrated and informative book, COLD MOUNTAIN: THE JOURNEY FROM BOOK TO FILM. Publication date is December 25, 2003.

Fox 2000 and Regency Enterprises in association with Mediastream III a Jinks/Cohen Co. production
Running time — 94 minutes / MPAA rating: PG-13

Appallingly terrible from start to finish.

“Forced choice” for me: (1) Sit through DOWN WITH LOVE again, (2) Sit through TIL HUMAN VOICES WAKE US again, (3) Spend two hours with Uday Hussein.

Hands down, I’d take my chances with Uday.

DOWN WITH LOVE immediately insults me. The first words uttered are by screeching editor Vikki Hiller (Sarah Paulson) to first-time author Barbara Novak (Renee Zellweger): “You’re gorgeous!” I know Zellweger is sick and tired of hearing that she is “cute,” however, it is up to the director to show us that Zellweger is gorgeous and let us come to that conclusion ourselves. We do not need him telling us. I’m sure it made Zellweger happy that the stage is set for her gorgeousness, but isn’t her salary happiness enough? Her job is to make the audience happy, not for us to, in obeisance, acknowledge her beauty.

Barbara Novak has written a book advocating women take charge of their lives, forget about love and marriage, and go out for sex. Catcher Block (Ewan McGregor) is the suave, debonair English writer for an influential men’s magazine. Nobody in the publishing business happens to know what Block, an infamous man-about-town, looks like. Block intends to trick Novak into falling in love with him thereby proving her anthem is pure fantasy. He’ll write a cover story on besting Novak’s ode to female empowerment. Of course, this means pretending to be a nerd from the South with a really lousy accent but graceful, beautiful body.

This is an idea gone terribly, terribly wrong. They wanted to make another 60s Rock Hudson/Doris Day romantic comedy but chose two actors who don’t bother connecting with each other. These two are in different movies. This is clearly the fault of the director, Peyton Reed, who awkwardly stages all his actors in every scene and has them prance around. Ewan McGregor might look good in a tuxedo but he doesn’t look comfortable. Do we really need more than one Ewan bare-chested scene? Zellweger just changes clothes and allows Paulson to gush all over her. There’s absolutely no sexual charge between Zellweger and McGregor. They actually seemed repulsed by each other. And why, at their initial “cute” meeting, is Ewan’s dark brown hair suddenly red? I have to say DOWN WITH LOVE might actually kill Ewan’s chances for more romantic lead roles.

Peter MacMannus (David Hyde Pierce) is Block’s best friend and boss. He’s a high-strung buffoon who is completely uncomfortable around women. His character is so unfunny and embarrassing that I had to look away. I felt sorry for Hyde Pierce. He must really need the money. Paulson rounds out this loathsome foursome with some dignity. She is the only one who appears to be enjoying herself and happy to be in a movie.

And this is what is wrong, so wrong, with DOWN WITH LOVE. It’s a romantic comedy where nobody is enjoying themselves. It should be the rule of comedy. Enjoy yourself and the audience will.

The story lacks the single important ingredient: charm. All the actors were told to do was walk funny and make faces. There’s a really humiliating scene where Renee “swans” into her living room in lingerie and dances in front of her penthouse windows. This is the type of thing that is risky and when it doesn’t work, it’s dreadful. When it works, its Cameron Diaz dancing on top of her bed in white underpants and then getting $20 million to reprise it in the sequel.

The stick up Renee’s butt registers pain on her face, so maybe asking her to act would be deemed cruel and unusual punishment. Thank goodness Renee snared CHICAGO. Why this movie was released is best left to film historians to dope out.

Cast:
Barbara Novak: Renee Zellweger
Catcher Block: Ewan McGregor
Vicki Hiller: Sarah Paulson
Peter McMannus: David Hyde Pierce
Gladys: Rachel Dratch
Maurice: Jack Plotnick
Theodore Banner: Tony Randall

Credits:
Director: Peyton Reed
Screenwriters: Eve Ahlert & Dennis Drake
Producers: Bruce Cohen, Dan Jinks
Executive producers: Paddy Cullen, Arnon Milchan
Director of photography: Jeff Cronenweth
Production designer: Andrew Laws
Costume designer: Daniel Orlandi
Editor: Larry Bock
Music: Marc Shaiman

Looking for a wildly entertaining diversion? Try CHICAGO. A modern-day musical, it has all the spunk and charm of a classic, with the added benefit of enhanced camera effects. Enhanced is hardly the word for it: it is explosive.

As much as I may have tried to remain skeptical about this movie, I was won over early on by the Cell Block Tango, a captivating dance performed by six sultry women on death row, explaining their crimes of passions with excuses like “And then he fell on my knife. 14 times.”

Set in the roaring ‘20s, we first encounter saucy Velma Kelly (Catherine Zeta-Jones), who has shot and killed her husband and sister when she catches them in bed together. A pity, since this not only means the end of her marriage but the end of her vaudeville sister-act. On death row, Velma has lawyered-up with Billy Flynn (Richard Gere) who is famous for never losing a case thanks to the extravagant (and bogus) defenses he orchestrates for his clients for a mere $5,000. Velma is further aided by the busty Matron “Mama” Morton (Queen Latifah), the warden of the women’s cell block who, for a modest cash tip, can get you products from the outside world (anything from cigarettes to hair bleach) and can advise you on your future in vaudeville when and if you make it out of jail.

With her name all over the headlines, Velma commands public sympathy until Roxie Hart (Renee Zellweger) murders her lover Fred Casely. She tries to get her husband Amos (John C. Reilly) to take the blame for it, but to no avail. Little blonde Roxy takes on Billy Flynn for her defense, befriends Mama, and steals Velma’s media spotlight, leaving her steaming. Velma suggests they join forces and start an act and Roxy snottily declines. She does not have the brains to understand the nature of media and that eventually a new, more sensational murder will push her out of the limelight too.

A particularly clever plot device is the fact that all the song and dance numbers occur in Roxie’s mind and thus “reality” and imagination are woven seamlessly throughout. For instance, external factors such as the tapping of water in Roxie’s jail cell sink or the rhythmic steps of a guard walking become the opening percussion in The Cell Block Tango.

John C. Reilly’s endearing performance as Amos, Roxie’s pathetically naïve husband is worth noting, as is his rendition of “Mr. Cellophane.” Never did a clown look so sad.
Catherine Zeta-Jones is a pleasure to watch in all her numbers, recalling Cyd Charisse’s good looks and sex appeal. She and Renee Zellweger make an odd pair, however. Catherine ends up looking incredibly large next to Renee’s tiny frame, which seems to detract from their dance numbers together.

Save a few scenes wherein Renee Zellweger’s performance seems awkward and forced, all in all, CHICAGO is an impressive achievement and a wild ride. So enjoy. It might just make you want to dance. Or incorporate fishnet stockings into your wardrobe.

(editor’s note: CHICAGO’s director, Rob Marshall, received a special award from the NBR at their annual gala ceremony. It was presented to him by Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere, who gushed that making the film was the most fun he’s ever had on a shoot. He then acknowledged that there were other directors he’d worked with in the audience, including Francis Ford Coppola, but without qualifying his jublilance, stuck to his guns that this was the high point in terms of enjoyability.)

Credits:
Director: Rob Marshall
Screenplay: Bill Condon
Producer: Martin Richards

Cast:
Renee Zellweger,
Catherine Zeta-Jones,
Richard Gere,
Queen Latifah,
John C. Reilly,
Christine Baranski

I like it when screenwriters do proper research. In NURSE BETTY, hit man Charlie (played by Morgan Freeman) tells Wesley (Chris Rock) that some men did, in fact, survive a scalping. This is right after Chris scalps Betty (Renee Zellweger) Sizemore’s husband, played by director Neil LaBute’s favorite actor, Aaron Eckhart. Charlie’s right. In SCALPING AND TORTURE: Warfare Practices Among North American Indians (Iroqrafts Ltd Indian Publications) this horrifying claim is substantiated. The book also has the only known photograph “in existence” (taken in 1869) of a man scalped by Indians. It was the whites who really put the boom in scalping by offering “scalp premiums” for the “scalp lock” of enemies, be they natives or fellow whites. Scalping became a very big, and lucrative, business. For all the gruesome details, I highly recommend the book; for a visual display, I refer those interested in scalping to NURSE BETTY.

So this “dark comedy” starts off with a bloody scalping. Betty, who just happens to witness her husband’s death, becomes semi-amnesic. Suffering from a low-grade, post-traumatic stress hallucination, Betty mixes up her real life with the soap-opera she is addicted to. She believes the star, Dr David (played by Greg Kinnear), is actually her former great love. Betty leaves her waitress life in Kansas to find Dr David in California. Following her are Charlie and Wesley. The trunk of Betty’s car is filled with drugs.

NURSE BETTY has many very funny scenes – all those with Freeman and Rock. They dominate the film. Their unusual relationship is cleverly explained at the end of the film. Freeman is wonderful as a disciplined, ethical hit man with strict rules he lives by. Rock is terrific as Charlie’s hotheaded partner. Rock shows exactly how to take a straight, meaningless line and instill it with undercurrents of threat, violence, and all-purpose rage. Their parts of the movie are great.

The middle section of the film is the weakest. Here Betty is in California with George/Dr David and his friends. Betty believes the soap opera he stars in is real life and when Dr David takes her to the TV studio she doesn’t catch on! Getting post-traumatic stress hallucination makes a person dumb. So we work really hard trying to ignore the fact that even though Betty’s new roommate tells her the truth, Betty doesn’t get it. Acting this is hard, and Renee is not the kind of actress who can delve this deep into a character; she doesn’t have the range needed for its complexities. Betty never changes as she weaves through a weak story of confused identity. And everyone in Hollywood puts up with Betty, “thinking” she is just auditioning for a part on the soap opera.

It’s too long, but I understand the problem LaBute faced. He can’t cut anything with Freeman and Rock – they’re just too good. If he cuts Betty’s scenes, he loses his central character. So he keeps everything in, and it drags along, cobbled together by the hitman duo.