A tedious bore. Too slow and too many words. A farfetched medieval history lesson. Robert Langdon saves the Catholic Church!

The Catholic Church has nothing to worry about with this second movie by Dan “The Da Vinci Code” Brown. It’s a tedious bore.

There are enough scientific blunders that even atheists will shudder. It appears that screenwriters David Koepp and Akiva Goldsman just got lazy and put every bit of dialogue and historical background from the book in the script. Instead of creating drama or building a thriller, director Ron Howard had to goose up the film with loud, orchestrated music and lots of running.
Tom Hanks is back as Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon. He got a haircut. Apparently, the Vatican, hit on its snout with a blasphemous secret previously exposed by Langdon, has forgiven him. The Vatican is being threatened by the Illuminati, a secret organization the Church squashed centuries ago.

They’re baaaack!

Langdon might be identified as a symbologist, but he’s really an authority on the Catholic Church. Sadly, it falls to him to tell us everything about the Church’s history, religious art, medieval painters, popes, the Illuminati, the Higgs boson, and the city map of Rome.

With a teasing symbol, a poem, and some mumbo-jumbo language to decipher, the Vatican summons Langdon to Rome via private jet. He goes, but what he really wants is access to the super-secret Vatican archives. All the medieval treasures are kept there, even Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s marriage certificate. It’s second only to the mythic royal library at Alexandria.

Julius Caesar burned down the Alexandria library; the Vatican library has Langdon. He brings a juicy, ketchup-dripping Whopper, coffee, cigarettes, a briefcase of junk, and a thieving scientist. He doesn’t bother with gloves as he manhandles priceless manuscripts and rummages through the bookcases. The Vatican Library has fired all archivists due to the economical downturn.

I will never lend Langdon a book of mine!
The Pope has died, and coincidentally, antimatter has been stolen from the Large Hadron Collider*. Italian scientist Vittoria Vetra (Ayelet Zurer) is the only one who can stop the antimatter from destroying mankind or Vatican City. The Illuminati has stolen the antimatter and is threatening to kill four kidnapped cardinals. The clock is ticking: the antimatter’s battery is running out and a cardinal will be killed every few hours.
Langdon is five minutes late to every killing! I’ve been to Rome many times, and traffic is a *****! I understand. Pedestrians do not have the right-of-way.

We never get a sense about the threat posed by the Illuminati. Too bad, it could have been ANGELS AND DEMONS’ sinister secret society like THE DIVINCI CODE’s Opus Dei. The cardinals, the priests, the Swiss guards, the Vatican police, and the dead Pope are all formless, scene-crowding figures. Langdon and Vittoria are left running through Rome searching empty churches for clues.
Hanks let his trust in Howard override what he surely knew was too much dialogue for his character. That’s Screenwriting 101 — the star never explains!

As for Robert Langdon, he’s back at Harvard but I understand that he’ll be investigating a rogue group of Catholic priests who have reinstated The Inquisition.

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*I’ve been watching The Large Hadron Collider and believe it is The Doomsday Machine.
Some scientists went to the European Court for Human Rights to put a halt to turning on the collider. These troublesome scientists sought “a restraining order for fear that it may create a black hole that will suck life and could swallow the Earth”. That’s right! Suck life and could swallow the Earth.
The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) laughed at the thought of creating a black hole or stranglet that could destroy the planet. The LHC, the world’s largest energy particle accelerator complex, was turned on September 10, 2008.
Renowned British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking chimed in, betting $100 that the first mega-experiment will not find the elusive particle seen as a holy grail of cosmic science, the Higgs particle, known as the “God Particle” since it is everywhere but remains elusive.

We got a reprieve! The LHC went offline in September 2008, when a faulty electrical connection between two of its magnets caused a malfunction in the cooling system that led to a helium leak. By CERN’s latest reckoning, the system will be turned on again in late September 2009. Get ready for those End of the World parties!

This is my second viewing of CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR and on DVD it is enhanced by the smaller screen, and by bringing Julia Roberts’s Southern Belle sugar-drawl portrayal down a notch. Director Mike Nichols, who already did one movie with Roberts (CLOSER), has once again given her a role tailored to her uber-movie star status.

Screenwriter Aaron Sorkin adapted George Crile’s book ‘Charlie Wilson’s War.’ (I have the hardcover) giving Texas Representative Charlie Wilson a braggadocio character with egomaniacal colorings. But Wilson did get the job done of aiding the Mujahideen and crushing the Soviet Union occupation in the 1980s.

Wilson orchestrated the U.S. proxy war with the Soviet Union. Somebody had to step up. Apparently, Wilson had access to the money to do it.

Wilson interrupted his booze-filled, cocaine-sniffing, womanizing lifestyle to decide it was he who was going to give tons of money and military weapons to the Afghans. Maybe it was to impress his on-off girlfriend, the 6th richest woman in Texas, Joanne Herring (Roberts).

After you have everything money can buy and all your friends have money, you have to do something to set yourself apart from the obscenely wealthy group you run with. You need a cause to be known for. Herring decides she will use her power and influence with world leaders to help Afghanistan fight the invasion by the Soviet Union.

Maybe she has family in the mountains of Afghanistan?

While Hanks really walks the walk of a Texas blowhard and it is fascinating to watch his performance, once again it is Philip Seymour Hoffman as CIA operative Gust Avrakotos who steals every scene he’s in. Hoffmann knows exactly how to use his physical characteristics to make a bold statement.

The DVD – I’ll admit I watched it on a friend’s high tech sophisticated equipment – boasts a terrific widescreen transfer. The extras are two featurettes worth watching. The Making of Charlie Wilson’s War has the three stars talking about how they felt portraying real-life people, and includes footage of the fun they had on the set. Not only are they paid a lot of money, but they have to have fun! The real Charlie Wilson and glamorous Joanne Herring were often on the set enjoying the festivities.
The other featurette is called Who is Charlie Wilson? We are led to believe that Wilson, a relatively minor State Representative, played a significant role in the ending of the Cold War. (I thought that honor went to Pope John Paul the Great.) Wilson certainly has laid claim to this fact and brags, in a highly entertaining fashion, about his unconventional lifestyle. Joanne Herring, clearly delighted that Julia Roberts immortalized her on film, is also interviewed, as are Sorkin and Nichols. The disc has audio tracks and subtitles in English, French and Spanish.

Columbia Pictures / Imagine Entertainment
PG-13 / 147 minutes

QUOTE: I’ll say it: It is anti-Jesus and anti-Catholic. Unintentionally though, it is a recruiting film for Opus Dei. Where do I sign up?

The concept behind “The Da Vinci Code” – that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and fathered a daughter – is ridiculous.

(An agonizing question below: if you have the answer for me, please email me at masauu@aol.com.)
What about Jesus’ command, drop everything and “Come Follow Me?” What about The Gospel of Luke (14:25-27)?
25. Now great crowds were going along with him. And he turned and said to them, 26. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, and wife and children, and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. 27. And he who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”
Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code” is a mammoth best seller for one very good reason: you can’t put it down. It is written as a chase. Every very short chapter ends posing a question you need to read further to uncover. Brown makes you want to rush through the chapters.

The SciFi Channel has a 2-hour show, “Cracking The Da Vinci Code” where scholars mock Dan Brown’s “research.”

Ron Howard’s THE DA VINCI CODE is a limp version of the Chase-the-Mystery blockbuster novel. I knew it would suck. Howard doesn’t have the nasty grit – or wit – to delve into the world of religious skullduggery.

And screenwriter Akiva Goldsman? He’s the go-to guy for cleaning up any story for box office numbers. He could sanitize Hitler.

Poor Tom Hanks walks around with a totally confused look on his face. His acting relies on a grimace. And his childlike co-star Audrey Tautou wanders aimlessly in an oversized trench coat searching for her director. Ian McKellen hams it and over-acts. I have a theory about these old character actors. They have years of standing around watching others act and getting the big paychecks. They can tell when they can wrest a movie away by spurting their lines with glee. Directors have too much to do than tone down their performances. Just try to calm them down once they are bestowed with the purely ceremonial title of “Sir.” Unless the title comes with land, serfs, and you can pass your title down to your male heirs, it’s a meaningless, yet pompous, gift for living long.

Harvard professor of iconography and religious art Robert Langdon (Hanks) happens to be in Paris lecturing and signing his newest book when told his dinner date was murdered. The French police take him to The Louvre where a curator has left clues to who murdered him in his own blood. Not only that, he dragged himself around The Louvre leaving more tidbits. Because of the symbolism involved, and the fact that Langdon was in the curator’s date book, Langdon quickly becomes involved.

Police cryptologist Sophie Neveu (Tautou) turns up and informs Langdon he is in danger. For some reason, police captain Bezu Fache (Jean Reno), is hell-bent on blaming Langdon for the murder of, surprise, her grandfather! But no, we know who the murderer of curators and nuns is: a crazy, masochist monk is on the loose. He has keys to everything: The Louvre after hours and even a palace estate! He is a penitent-suffering albino named Silas (Paul Bettany) who works for fashionable Bishop Aringarosa (Alfred Molina), a high ranking member of the super-mysterious Opus Dei.

Silas is the most interesting character in the movie. He is the only one who displays passion. Hanks must give us a history lesson on religious symbols and Tautou must look amazed.

Langdon’s tedious plodding through religious symbols is bested by Sir Leigh Teabing (McKellen) who jazzes up the story with flicks of his canes and dastardly smiles. He tells the story of The Holy Grail mystery: The apostles didn’t have a clue the woman Jesus kept kissing [on the mouth] was his wife! St. Paul was duped into believing Jesus was, like him, a celibate! The real person we should be having as church altar centerpieces is the reviled Mary Magdalene! She is The Holy Grail! She is the Unrecognized Heroine of Christianity! Where is her tomb buried and who cares?

Magdalene fled the apostles and Jesus’ family to go to France where she gave birth to his daughter. Somehow, the French royal bloodline – introduced to popular culture by “The Matrix: Reloaded” in the character of Merovingian – was the outcome. Jesus’ bloodline is still with us and Opus Dei is out to kill everyone who has is walking around with his DNA.

The ending, wherein Langdon preaches about faith and belief is a letdown. There is no big finish here. But the film doesn’t end with the revelation about the next person on Opus Dei’s hit list who has been happily toiling among the French people. Langdon must solve the mystery: not where Jesus is buried, but his wife is entombed!

The explanatory flashbacks are horrible and, instead of reading the book at your own pace, plowing through all the twists, double twists and triple twists, leads you to ask of the movie, “Why is everyone pretending to be someone else?” One missed clue and the whole mystery would be lost forever.

My nagging question: If Da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” was a commissioned work, what was the reaction when it was finally displayed? Did townspeople ask: “Okay, that’s Jesus’ red-haired wife, what apostle skipped the last supper?” Were people enraged at the symbolism or were they too stupid to figure out that “The Beloved Apostle John” was really Mary Magdelene?

Credits:
Director: Ron Howard
Screenwriter: Akiva Goldsman
Based on the novel by: Dan Brown
Producers: Brian Grazer, John Calley
Executive producers: Todd Hallowell, Dan Brown
Director of photography: Salvatore Totino
Production designer: Allan Cameron
Music: Hans Zimmer
Costumes: Daniel Orlandi
Editors: Dan Hanley, Mike Hill

Cast:
Robert Langdon: Tom Hanks
Sophie Neveu: Audrey Tautou
Sir Leigh Teabing: Ian McKellen
Captain Fache: Jean Reno
Silas: Paul Bettany
Bishop Aringarosa: Alfred Molina
Vernet: Jurgen Prochnow
Remy Jean: Jean-Yves Berteloot

Warner Bros. Pictures / Castle Rock Entertainment presents in association with Shangri-La Entertainment / A Playtone / ImageMovers / Golden Mean production
Running time — 92 minutes / MPAA rating: G

QUOTE: Awesome. Tom Hanks – even in CG – sure knows how to act!

Yes, it is visually stunning. In fact, it is breathtaking. But why, why did they need Tom Hanks to voice five roles? I’ve read all about “performance capture;” believe me, it wasn’t necessary for Hanks to go through all that “acting.” Is the movement of Hanks’ fingers really necessary for this technically beautiful film to succeed with audiences?

A young boy, Hero Boy (Tom Hanks) is growing up and the idea of Santa Claus is losing ground with him. Then, surprisingly, on Christmas Eve, a huge fantastic train stops at the front of his snow-covered house. The Conductor (Tom Hanks) beckons him aboard to go to the North Pole and visit Santa Claus. On the train are other children: Hero Girl (Nona Gaye), Know-It-All-Boy (Eddie Deezen), and Lonely Boy (Peter Scolari). When Hero Girl loses her train ticket, Hero Boy’s pursuit of it leads him to find the mysterious Hobo (Tom Hanks) who is riding on top of the train.

Ah! The loss of the ticket, the fast train, the North Pole! It is electrifying! I can’t wait to see the 3-D Imax version.

Every human motion we take for granted is gloriously enacted. This is the future of movies. The tiniest details are carefully drawn – the folds of clothes move ever so gently. And, as the train moves through the dangerous landscape of mountains and frozen peaks towards Santa’s lair, the visual excitement is exhilarating.

I like computer-generated characters, especially since so many movie stars are giving up acting. Now Tom Hanks wants us to believe he’s acting out all five parts (one part, that of Hero Boy’s father, you actually never even see). Was it really necessary to see Tom Hanks “make a face” that is then rendered technically by computer wizardry?

I will again affirm: Everything in EXPRESS is dazzling: The entire production, the visual art, and the story. I liked the strangely dark ominous feel director (and co-writer) Robert Zemeckis and his team conjured up. It reminded me of the eerie quiet that blankets a magical, perfect Christmas Eve. In fact, this is the thing I felt drew me emotionally into the movie. There is a sadness, a feeling of loss, that the entire film captures. Yes, if one wanted to use the word capture, it’s not “performance capture” as much as “emotional capture” that triumphs.

The only thing I objected to – and I know everyone is going to hate me for saying it – there’s just too much Tom Hanks. Director and co-writer Robert Zemeckis fawningly said on “Sunday Morning Shootout” of Tom Hanks: “He’s my creative soulmate.” Well, now Zemeckis has studied and obsessed over every muscle in his soulmate’s face.

The stunning artistry of THE POLAR EXPRESS does not need Hanks, et al to loudly insist that he “acted” all five parts. Perhaps actors now want “creative” recognition for just lending their names to projects, but will audiences buy into this?

By constantly reminding everyone just how many reflective dots Hanks had on his face to bring about the rendering of an eight-year-old boy’s quiet expressions, the money people have hedged their investment with star power. But Hero Boy is not very talkative or facially expressive. He’s reactive and pensive. This limits his expressions.

The week before THE POLAR EXPRESS opens, THE INCREDIBLES box office will show the financiers that an animation film does not need a big star to get in front of it: Are people buying tickets to THE INCREDIBLES because Craig T. Nelson is the voice talent?

By the way folks, and this is important for all of us lazy people daunted by the idea of writing a 679 page work of fiction (that’s a lot of typing!), THE POLAR EXPRESS, Chris Van Allsburg’s Caldecott Medal-winning 1985 picture book, was only 29 pages!

“Entertainment Weekly’s” Nov. 12 story on THE POLAR EXPRESS said: “The grapevine says EXPRESS isn’t the sure thing the HARRY POTTER franchise has been for Warner in Novembers past – and Hanks himself is well aware of a chill in the buzz winds.”

Tom, no need to keep reminding us about “performance capture.” Your financial investment will pay off handsomely. You will not need to start doing voice-overs for Honda.

Cast:
Hero Boy/Boy’s Father/the Conductor/the Hobo/Santa: Tom Hanks
Smokey/Steamer: Michael Jeter
Lonely Boy: Peter Scolari
Hero Girl: Nona Gaye
Know-It-All Boy: Eddie Deezen
Elf General: Charles Fleischer

Credits:
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Screenwriters: Robert Zemeckis, William Broyles Jr.
Based on the book by: Chris Van Allsburg
Producers: Steve Starkey, Robert Zemeckis, Gary Goetzman, William Teitler
Executive producers: Tom Hanks, Jack Rapke, Chris Van Allsburg
Directors of photography: Don Burgess, Robert Presley
Production designers: Rick Carter, Doug Chiang
Co-producer: Steven Boyd
Senior visual effects supervisors: Ken Ralston, Jerome Chen
Music: Alan Silvestri
Costumes: Joanna Johnston
Editors: Jeremiah O’Driscoll, R. Orlando Duenas

Buena Vista Pictures
Touchstone Pictures presents a Tom Jacobson production
Running time — 104 minutes / MPAA rating: R

How many of us can recall the 1955 original starring Alec Guinness? Okay, so no need to judge this by that. Screenwriter-directors Joel Coen and Ethan Coen’s remake must stand on it’s own.

Somewhere in the South, deep inside Baptist Bible Belt country, blowhard Professor G.H. Dorr (Tom Hanks) turns up and rents a room from Marva Munson (Irma P. Hall), a devout widow and churchgoer. What Dorr wants is momentarily interrupted as we are given quick glimpses into the lives of several other men: Gawain MacSam (Marlon Wayans), a foulmouthed riverboat casino laborer, Garth Pancake (J.K. Simmons), an explosives expert, The General (Tzi Ma), an archetypal Asian killer now the owner of a convenience store, and Lump (Ryan Hurst), a very dumb, inarticulate football player. Dorr introduces the men to Marva as his Renaissance music troupe. They will use her basement to practice.
What they really intend to do is tunnel from Marva’s basement straight to the storage office of the gambling casino and steal a lot of cash.

It takes quite some time to figure out this is a modern day tale, what with Dorr wearing Sherlock Holmes clothes and using a flowery, decadent speech pattern resplendent with an inappropriate giggle. Only MacSam’s constant vulgarity clues us it’s a present day piece. Everything else seems trapped in a time warp. Soon the characters converge and we watch Dorr’s plans twist and turn, mainly due to the temperaments of his volatile team and Marva’s no-nonsense morality.

With Dorr’s insistence on quoting Edgar Allen Poe’s poetry and speeches that slow the pace, THE LADYKILLERS lumbers as a muddy, light-hearted mess. Hanks takes obvious pleasure in his relaxed, flung-to-the-wind character while Hall’s Marva nearly sideswipes Hanks. For a con to work, you have to be sincere. All the players except Dorr are invested and committed. Besides money, what is he about?

There is an underlying sense that the Coens’ approach to the material is condescending. They do not like their buffoon characters. We like buffoons who think they are smart and then get their comeuppance.

Credits:
Screenwriter-directors: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Based on “The Ladykillers” by: William Rose
Producers: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen, Tom Jacobson, Barry Sonnenfeld, Barry Josephson
Director of photography: Roger Deakins
Production designer: Dennis Glassner
Music: Carter Burwell
Costume designer: Mary Zophres
Editor: Roderick Jaynes

Cast:
Professor G.H. Dorr: Tom Hanks
Marva Munson: Irma P. Hall
Gawain MacSam: Marlon Wayans
Garth Pancake: J.K. Simmons
General: Tzi Ma
Lump: Ryan Hurst
Mountain Girl: Diane Delano

It’s slow – very, very slow. It’s not the ultimate Depression-era gangster movie. That’s pure PR hype. It is beautiful to look at with director Sam Mendes’ theatrical attention to set design elevating the atmospheric mood. The failure of ROAD TO PERDITION lies in the pace and the main characters that are one-dimensional and lack introspection – we need to know in some way why characters do what they do.

ROAD TO PERDITION starts off wrong. It uses THE DEER HUNTER opening – instead of a Polish wedding we have an Irish wake with eulogies and enforcer Michael Sullivan (Tom Hanks) and crime boss John Rooney (Paul Newman) playing piano together. Rooney is a powerful crime boss who raised Sullivan like a son, alienating his resentful son Connor (Daniel Craig). Sullivan is a distant husband to petrified Annie (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and stern father to 12 year-old Michael Jr (Tyler Hoechlin) and younger son Peter. When we first see Michael Jr he’s stealing candy. He’s curious about why his father has a gun and what he does for a living. Michael Jr sneaks out one night and witnesses his father and Connor kill a lot of people.

Michael Jr promises not to tell anyone what he witnessed, but Connor decides the boy can’t be trusted. Instead of killing Sullivan and Michael Jr, professional hit man Connor carelessly fails to notice that only Annie and Peter are at home. He kills them and leaves. Sullivan plans on revenge. Through an intermediary, Rooney offers Sullivan $25,000 in cash (a fortune in the 1930s) and the suggestion to leave the country. Sullivan refuses the money and goes to Chicago to see Rooney’s boss Frank Nitti (Stanley Tucci) and asks for a job – after he kills Connor. Nitti tells Sullivan he can’t help him and then hires Maguire (Jude Law), a rogue hit man, to handle the problem. Father and son start robbing banks, but only taking the money held by the bankers for the crime bosses.

If this is really a story about a father and son, then the filmmakers don’t have children. Now on the run to an aunt’s house in Perdition, Sullivan should start talking hard facts. Michael Jr does tell his father it’s all his fault and it is. Sullivan tells him it’s not his fault. Well then, who is to blame?

What made Sullivan a ruthless killer? What does he want for his sons? Why is Rooney so blindly devoted to Connor?

Jude Law brings a fascinating, sadistic glee to his small, pivotal role as a hit man who enjoys photographing dead, and near dead, people. He’s framed his best work. Daniel Craig also takes full advantage of his scenes to relate emotions not verbalized. Even Newman uses his small frame and aged, angular face to convey a life marred with brutal decisions. He’s one character we don’t expect moral clarification from.

Hanks has a difficult role here: Is he a killer who values family above all else? Well, we don’t see much evidence of a happy family life to support this and the bond between father and son is noticeably dismal. While we don’t expect a hit man to get teary and weep, the script forces Hanks to play Sullivan with no colorations.

When we want to get all puffed-up in lofty cinematic jargon, around my house we say: The role had no “character arc.”